SOUNDTRACK: ONE RING ZERO-As Smart as We Are (2004).
I had this CD sitting around my house for about 4 years. I had received it as a promo disc from Soft Skull Press (along with several other books on CD) and I just never put it on. Then one day I was going through all these promos to see if any were books I wanted to listen to. It was then that I actually read the disc label and saw that it was a band with lyrics written by some of my favorite authors.
I liked the disc so much I wound up buying it because the packaging is truly cool. It’s a little booklet and it features an interview with the band and some really cool insights into how the songs came about, how they got the writers to submit lyrics, and the cool fact that One Ring Zero became McSweeney’s house band, accompanying writers during their weekly readings.
One Ring Zero is comprised of two guys (and guests). And for this disc they split the tracks in half and one of them wrote melodies for 8 songs and the other guy wrote melodies for the other 8. I’m not sure that I could tell the song writers apart by their styles, though.
But sure, the lyrics are probably great, but what does the band sound like? Well, in the introduction, they are described as specializing “in the sort of 19th century, gypsy-klezmer, circus-flea-cartoon music you mainly hear in your dreams.” And, yep, that is a good summary of things. The band uses water pipes, claviola, slide whistle and a theremin (among other homemade instruments).
And so, as with other McSweeney’s things, I’m going to list all of the lyricists with their titles. But lyrically it’s an interesting concoction. The authors were asked to write lyrics, but not necessarily songs. So some pieces don’t have choruses. Some pieces are just silly, and some pieces work quite nicely. But most of them are really poems (and I can’t really review poems). They’re fun to read, and it is fun to see what these authors made of this assignment.
PAUL AUSTER-“Natty Man Blues”
A rollicking opening that lopes around with the nonsensical lyrics, “There ain’t no sin in Cincinnati.” This one feels like a twisted Western.
DANIEL HANDLER-“Radio”
A supremely catchy (and rather vulgar) song that gets stuck in my head for days. “Fucking good, fucking good, fucking good…”
DARIN STRAUSS-“We Both Have a Feeling That You Still Want Me”
A Dark and somewhat disturbing song that is also quite fun.
RICK MOODY-“Kiss Me, You Brat”
A delicate twinkly piece sung byguest vocalist Allysa Lamb *the first female vocalist to appear) . Once the chorus breaks in, it has an almost carnivalesque tone to it. This is the only song whose lyrics were written after the music.
LAWRENCE KRAUSER-“Deposition Disposition”
A twisted song that works as a call and response with delightful theremin sounds. It has a very noir feel.
CLAY McLEOD CHAPMAN-“Half and Half”
This is a sort of comic torchy ballad. Lyrically, it’ a bout being a hermaphrodite (and it’s dirty too). Vocals by Hanna Cheek.
DAVE EGGERS-“The Ghost of Rita Gonzalo”
This has a sort of Beach Boys-y folky sound (albeit totally underproduced). But that theremin is certainly back.
MARGARET ATWOOD-“Frankenstein Monster Song”
This song begins simply with some keyboard notes but it breaks into a very creepy middle section. It’s fun to think of Margaret Atwood working on this piece.
AARON NAPARSTEK-“Honku”
This song’s only about 20 seconds long. It is one of a series of haikus about cars, hence honku.
DENIS JOHNSON-“Blessing”
The most folk-sounding of all the tracks (acoustic guitar & tambourine). It reminds me of Negativland, somehow. It is also either religious or blasphemous. I can’t quite be sure which.
NEIL GAIMAN-“On the Wall”
A tender piano ballad. The chorus gets more sinister, although it retains that simple ballad feel throughout. It’s probably the least catchy of all the songs. But lyrically it’s quite sharp.
AMY FUSSELMAN-“All About House Plants”
An absurdist accordion-driven march. This is probably the most TMBG-like of the bunch (especially when the background vocals kick in).
MYLA GOLDBERG-“Golem”
This song opens (appropriately) with a very Jewish-sounding vibe (especially the clarinet). But once that intro is over, the song turns into a sinister, spare piece.
A.M. HOMES-“Snow”
This song opens as a sort of indie guitar rock song. It slowly builds, but just as it reached a full sound, it quickly ends. The song’s lyrics totally about twenty words.
BEN GREENMAN-“Nothing Else is Happening”
This song has more of that sinister carnivalesque feel to it (especially when the spooky background vocals and the accordion kick in). The epilogue of a sample from a carnival ride doesn’t hurt either.
JONATHAN AMES-“The Story of the Hairy Call”
This song has a great lo-fi guitar sound (accented with what sounds like who knows what: an electronic thumb piano?). It rages with a crazily catchy chorus, especially given the raging absurdity of the lyrics.
JONATHAN LETHEM-“Water”
This track is especially interesting. The two writers each wrote melodies for these lyrics. So, rather than picking one, they simply merged them. It sounds schizophrenic, but is really quite wonderful. The two melodies sound nothing alike, yet the work together quite well.
[READ: Some time in 2004 & Summer 2009] Created in Darkness by Troubled Americans
This was the first collection of McSweeney’s humorous stories/pieces/lists whatever you call them. Some of the pieces came from McSweeney’s issues, but most of them came from McSweeney’s Internet Tendency.
The humor spans a great deal of categories, there’s some literary, some absurd, some nonsensical and, most amusingly, lists. The back of the book has an entire selection of lists, but there are also some scattered throughout the book as well (I don’t know what criteria was used to allow some lists to be in the “main” part).
As with the other McSweeney’s collections, I’m only writing a line or two about each piece. For the lists, I’m including a representative sample (not necessarily the best one, though!)
Overall, I enjoyed the book quite a lot (which is why I re-read it this year). There are puns, there are twisted takes on pop culture, there are literary amusements (Ezra Pound features prominently, which seems odd). It spans the spectrum of humor. You may not like every piece, but there’s bound to be many things that make you laugh.
TIM CARVELL-“A Brief Parody of a Talk Show That Falls Apart about Halfway Through”
Many times, the titles tells you the whole story. This is one of those cases. It’s not the strongest piece, and seems like an odd one to open with.
KURT LUCHS-“The Spirit of Christmas”
This hilarious piece shows the dark side of charities asking, begging then threatening for money.
STUART WADE-“The Briefing: A Play in One Act”
A fantastic example of a press conference in which nothing is revealed (reminds one of presidential press secretaries).
J.M. TYREE-“On the Implausibility of the Death Star’s Trash Compactor”
Hilarious pseudo-academic look at how the Death Star’s Trash Compactor could not work within the laws of physics.
JEFF JOHNSON-“Preview of Summer Camps”
Sample brochures from summer camps!
ANDY RATHBUN-“Comments Written on Evaluation of My Speech on Needle-Exchange Programs”
A brief one-note joke, that is pretty funny.
BRODIE H. BROCKIE & R.J. WHITE-“The Newest from Jokeland”
Undermining a lot of “classic” jokes (bar joke, polish joke, farmer’s daughter joke).
ARTHUR BRADFORD-“Excerpts from My Speech on Forest-Fire Prevention”
He’s a very impassioned young man.
JOHN MOE-“As A Porn Movie Titler, I May Lack Promise”
ie., O Brother, Where Art Thou Doing It?
BRIAN KENNEDY-“I Know What You Did Two Moons Ago (The Revenge)”
Reviewed here. From McSweeney’s #2
STEPHANY AULENBACK-“Words That Would Make Nice Names for Babies If It Weren’t for Their Unsuitable Meanings”
ie., Uvula.
T.G. GIBBON-“Reviews of My Daydreams”
With titles and evaluations.
JASON ROEDER-“Insomniacs! I Bring Words of Hope and Wisdom”
More wisdom than hope.
GREG PURCELL-“The Ten Worst Films of All Time, as Reviewed by Ezra Pound over Italian Radio”
It’s all filthy! I don’t know Pound that well, so this one is lost on me.
CHRISTOPHER MONKS-“Group Mobilization as a Desperate Cry for Help”
A hilarious send up of flash mobs (remember those). This one designed with the sole purpose of revenge on a girlfriend. Very funny.
JOHN HODGMAN-“Fire: The Next Sharp Stick”
Reviewed here. From McSweeney’s #2
JOSHUA WATSON-“Not Very Scary Movies”
ie., Friday the 11th.
ALYSIA GREY PAINTER-“Candle Party”
A very detailed candle party at that.
TOM RUPRECHT-“It’s Not Actually a Small World”
Several examples of people meeting non-coincidentally.
JEFF ALEXANDER & TOM BISSELL-“Unused Audio Commentary by Howard Zinn and Noam Chomsky, Recorded Summer 2002, for The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring DVD (Platinum Series Extended Edition), Part One”
Lengthy and humorous political comments about TLOTR.
JOHN MOE-“Canceled Regional Morning TV Shows”
ie., Shame on You, Denver! (one of the longer lists in the book).
GREG PURCELL-“A Letter from Ezra Pound to Billy Wilder, 1963”
Sarcastic and nasty.
KEITH PILLE-“Journal of a New COBRA Recruit”
Hope you know your G.I. Joe.
JOHN HODGMAN-“A Logic Puzzle and Hangover Cure”
Funny plays on math word problems.
MICHAEL IAN BLACK-“Some People Don’t Like Celebrities”
Online insults directed at M.I.B.
R.J. WHITE-“Tips from Jokes and How to Tell Them, Published in 1963″
I’m not sure that the date is relevant, they’re just cliched bits (but funny in this context).
JAKE SWEARINGEN-“How Important Moments in My Life Would Have Been Different If I Was Shot in the Stomach”
Birth, First Day of School, etc.
JIM STALLARD-“No Justice, No Foul”
One of my favorite McSweeney’s pieces. Reviewed here. From McSweeney’s #2.
T.G. GIBBON-“Actual Academic Journals Which Could Be Broadway Shows If They Had Exclamation Points Added!”
ie., Zygote!
CHRIS BACHELDER-“My Beard, Reviewed”
Various people chime in on its quality.
STEPHANY AULENBACK & SEAN CARMAN-“The Name Game”
You’ve done Porn Star name? What about Witness Protection Program Name?
PETER FERLAND-“Circumstances Under Which I Would Have Sex with Some of My Fellow Jurors”
ie., #6: You notice me. The rest are longer and quite funny.
ARTHUR BRADFORD-“The Bet”
Details the bet that he can make Fred throw up by punching him in the stomach.
TIM CARVELL-“The Dance Lesson”
Step #15: I’m sorry I didn’t mean to laugh.
MARK O’DONNELL-“Attack of the Fabulons!”
Reviewed here. From McSweeney’s #1.
KEVIN SHAY-“Pirate Riddles for Sophisticates”
Whom did the pirate vote for in the Haitian election? ARRRistide
TODD PRUZAN-“A Short Fictional Passage Entitled ‘Drift Nets’ in Which Several Enterprising Characters Troll the High Seas, Exploring Abandoned Trade Vessels for ‘Pirated’ Goods, and Learn to Cope with Distinct Personalities in a Close-Knit, High-Stress Environment”
Reviewed here. From McSweeney’s #1.
DAN KENNEDY-“Ineffective Lines Deleted from Final Revisions of Violent Box-Office Hits”
Hilariously bad lines that a bad guy might say.
ZEV BOROW-“A Graceland for Adolf”
Reviewed here. From McSweeney’s #2.
NEAL POLLOCK-“Trinity”
These stories are part of the Neal Pollack Anthology if American Literature.
SEAN CONDON-“Pop Quiz”
Answering the rhetorical questions that pop songs ask. Like, “Are You Experienced?”
JEFF JOHNSON-“Bad Names for Professional Wrestlers”
ie., El Wusso!
DAN KENNEDY-“Evidently, It was Live Then”
A look back, with the writers who were there, at the difficulties of live TV, because, you know, there isn’t any now.
PAUL TULLIS-“Upcoming Titles from Gavin Menzies, Author of 1421: The Year the Chinese Discovered America”
Not just a list, there are summaries of books like: 1939: The Year Brazil Landed on the Moon
ROSS BARNES-“Good Westerns, Not Porn”
ie., Between Men
KEVIN GUILFOILE-“Norse Legends Reference Page”
Separate Norse faktum from fiksjon. An odd concept, but very funny.
JIM STALLARD-“Goofus, Gallant, Rashomon”
Looking at Goofus and Gallant from different perspectives. “That freak belonged to the cult of manners.” Also in The McSweeney’s Joke Book of Book Jokes.
TIM BLAIR-“Not-Good Titles for Romantic Films”
ie., The Horse Renderer
BEN GREENMAN-“Black, Gray, Green, Red, Blue: A Letter from a Famous Painter on the Moon”
Letters to his beloved as he goes batty.
LISTS
Some of the funniest things in the books are the lists, so here’s a few more.
JOHN MOE-“Possible Follow-Up Songs for One-Hit Wonders”
ie., “Bust an Additional Move”
DANIEL ARCHER, PETER McGRATH, JENNY TRAIG-“Thirty Good Names for a Dance Troupe Including Five That Are Already Taken By Actual Dance Troupes, and Two That Are Taken By Cheeses”
ie., Jazzturbation
PETER WARD BROWN-“Ways This One Project Manager Replies to My Replies to Her E-mailed Questions About Documentation”
ie., Thanks.
JIM BEHRLE-“First Lines to Books I Won’t Write”
ie., Michael Kindness slept.
JEFF HURLOCK-“Things NYC Cab Drivers Yelled at Me While I Crossed the Street”
ie., Move it, you hump
SEAN CARMAN-“Lessons Learned from My Study of Literature”
ie., Children have the capacity to both frighten and delight
BRIAN McMULLEN-“All of Chewbacca’s Dialogue in the Comic Book Version of The Empire Strikes Back”
ie., Waark!
AMY L. STENDER-“Capitalized Words and Phrases Appearing in The Official Sea-Monkey Handbook”
ie., HAPPEN
JIM RULAND-“Bad Names for Boats”
ie., Sea Pinto
BLAKE WIRTH-“Actual User Comments in the “Fat Cats” Photo Gallery at Cutecats.com”
ie., I have seen fatter.
ELIZABETH BUTLER-“Ineffective Ways to Subdue a Jaguar”
ie., Hit him with a sock of pennies
JOHN MOE-“Music Industry Trends Not Yet Overexposed”
ie., Trance tuba
And Many many more. If your list didn’t make my list, let me know and I’ll add you. I’m just too tired to type any more of the 40 or so that are left.
ALTERNATE TITLES PROPOSED FOR THIS BOOK
Yet another (and the final) list.
ie., A Child’s Garden of McSweeney’s Erotica
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